


It's Going to be Okay

by AnakinCaffrey



Category: White Collar
Genre: Abusive Relationship, Adoption, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Brief Sexual Content, Broken Engagement, Cheating, Child Loss, Depression, Engagement, High School Reunion, Implied/Referenced Boxing, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Implied/Referenced Gun Violence, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Implied/Referenced Smoking, Implied/Referenced Underage Relationship(s), Inspired by Fanart, M/M, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-21
Updated: 2016-10-21
Packaged: 2018-08-23 19:12:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8339383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnakinCaffrey/pseuds/AnakinCaffrey
Summary: Peter wasn't the first man to see Neal cry, but he was the first one who always stayed to make it all better.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kanarek13](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kanarek13/gifts).



> I realized that there's a lot of implied/referenced content as I was adding the tags, but it's not as confusing as it sounds. :P
> 
> I loved Kanarek's piece of art "It's Going to be Okay," which is the cover for this story, so I got permission from her to write a fic to accompany it. :D

Neal Caffrey stood in a cemetery, alone and soaked to the bone in his solemn, black attire. It and the weather seemed to fit the occasion rather well. It was pouring overhead and he didn’t feel the need to pull out an umbrella or cover himself beneath a tree. He stood in front of a freshly laid grave with a small tombstone erected above it.

The raindrops falling from above meshed with his teardrops. Had anyone been looking, they wouldn’t have been able to discern the difference between the drops. His heart had been broken, shattered into the tiniest of pieces. He hadn’t lost just one life recently. No, it was much harder to bear than losing a single life. She’d been doing him a favor, knowing full well what she was getting herself into and that she would always be welcome in his life.

At the age of twenty-two, Neal had wanted to make a significant change in his life. Upon talking to his nearest and dearest friend, she’d offered to help him achieve the goal he desperately wanted. She’d known since meeting him back in high school that Neal wasn’t particularly interested in the opposite sex, so there was one thing that would biologically elude him unless he decided to spend a fortune...

He wanted to have a child.

He wanted to be a father and, even though he would’ve loved to adopt a child, he wanted to have a biological son or daughter. He couldn’t exactly afford to go through with the adoption process and he didn’t want to look into surrogacy because he was fairly certain he couldn’t afford that either. His hands were tied either way he looked at it and he was beginning to lose hope.

One afternoon, he’d been sharing a large pepperoni pizza with his best friend in her apartment. He was living with her, but he was paying for his share of rent and appliances. The job he had wasn’t the best, but it was enough to help with payments. Last January had changed his life because he’d spoken to her honestly about considering having a family of his own someday, but not necessarily with another man. Thus far, he’d had two unsuccessful relationships with two young men. Granted, these relationships were high school relationships, but they gave him a bitter taste when he thought about them.

The first relationship he’d been in had been the relationship in which he lost his virginity. He’d discovered that he was a submissive bottom with that young man, but this relationship hadn’t even been a relationship at all. He believed it was, but he eventually came to the crushing realization that he’d been used for sex. All he’d been was convenient and that upset him to this day. Realizing how blind he’d been still hurt him because he’d wanted to wait until he found a man he could see himself spending the rest of his life with before engaging in sexual activities. Unfortunately, he hadn’t chosen the correct partner…

The second relationship he’d been in was with a young man who was stuck in the closet—very deeply. He was a football quarterback who enjoyed Neal’s company more than Neal initially realized. That eventually escalated into sexual interactions as well, but there had been occasional romantic moments. At least until he’d been caught giving this particular young man a blowjob in the locker room by the rest of the team. With come dribbling out of his mouth, on his lips and chin, he’d never been so embarrassed. The guy he’d believed was a good boyfriend turned into someone else after that. What had once been a playful relationship while hanging around the other guys on the football team became something rather abusive. He’d been forced and threatened to give the football team blowjobs so he was only outing himself—not the guy he’d been with for several months. Needless to say, he ended up breaking off the relationship.

To this day, he didn’t regret anything he’d done to explore his sexuality. He just regretted who he’d chosen to explore his sexuality with. He’d had one shoulder to cry on during it all and that meant the world to him. Kate Moreau was the only person he confided in because she cared about him very deeply. She was fully aware of the fact that he’s a homosexual, but it didn’t matter. She liked him as a person, so his sexuality wasn’t even factored into their friendship.

Fast forward about three years later, she was the one who came right out and asked him, “Would you be against me carrying your child?” She’d floored Neal with the question because he certainly hadn’t expected her to ask it. Having a female best friend didn’t mean he had the right to use her uterus to carry a child he wanted to have, but she’d offered. He gave it some time before finally telling her how much it would mean to him if she did that for him.

And so began their efforts to conceive a child.

They could have done things as if they were going to go through with a surrogate, but they decided to go about things the conventional way. While it’d been a struggle for Neal at first, they’d managed to conceive a child together. Admittedly, Kate made him feel comfortable. She was the first woman he’d coupled with, but she didn’t make him feel bad when he couldn’t get it up to begin their activities.

Nonetheless, it’d only taken them six months to accomplish their goal. After six months, they’d conceived their child. Even though Kate was carrying the child, she told Neal that she wouldn’t interfere in any decisions he decided to make as a parent. She would help him if he ever needed it, but she decided that Neal would be the child’s parent. She’d start her own family when she was married and ready.

They’d conceived a child in June, so the child was due the following March—if not shortly beforehand.

Unfortunately, it was presently October…

Neal began to sob before he fell to his knees in front of the grave. He’d lost both of them in a split second and he couldn’t help feeling like he could’ve done something to save them. It hadn’t been Kate’s fault by any means, nor had it been his. The person who was responsible for his loss hadn’t been found nor identified yet.

She’d been due March twenty-first, which had surprisingly coincided with his own birthday. When he’d first heard that, he’d been elated by the idea of sharing his birthday with his very first child. That dream came to a crashing halt on October eighteenth when he’d gotten the news that she’d been shot inside of a store that was being held up by a ‘madman with a gun.’ Neal wished he had the identification of the killer. Despite not having an affinity for guns, he knew damn well how to use one and he’d make damn good use of a gun if he ever came face to face with that monster who’d stolen two innocent lives.

It didn’t matter though because his heart was broken and he honestly couldn’t see it ever being repaired again.

•◊•

Two years had passed and Neal found himself listening to his current boyfriend of seven months yell into his cellphone—at him. He was learning to tune out the other man because he knew this was verbally abusive, but he didn’t want to end the relationship. For what it’s worth, the sex was great. It helped him get through the depression he’d nearly drowned in. Even if there weren’t any other redeeming qualities to their relationship, he could say the sex made the abuse worth it. “ _I don’t give a shit if you’re sick or dying, Neal. This is my high school reunion and you’re going with me._ ” Neal shook his head silently. He didn’t have it in him to debate his boyfriend right now. “ _Everyone’s going to see how successful I am and then they’ll see you, my arm candy, and know I’m living life well._ ”

This man is Matthew Keller. They’d run into each other at a gay bar eight months ago and immediately decided that they were going to start sleeping together. It wasn’t until a few months ago that Neal realized he and Matthew had gone to high school together. Granted, Matthew had been a senior when he was a freshman, but it didn’t particularly matter. Matthew wasn’t one for details. “Okay,” he eventually whispered. He honestly hated that he’d lowered himself to this kind of relationship, but he needed this. Coping on his own was difficult. When he and Matthew were together, he didn’t have to think about his own personal pain. Hell, he couldn’t even talk to Matthew about it because Matthew refused to listen to him whenever he wanted to open up. “What time do we have to be there?”

“ _Five o’clock. I’ll be home in half an hour, so… We’ll have plenty of time to fuck beforehand._ ” Neal nodded. He glanced at the yearbook he’d dredged up from the depths of his closet recently. It was his freshman yearbook, so he flipped to the page with all of the seniors that year. Finding his boyfriend wasn’t a difficult task, so he went through the list of names and tried to remember some of them. A few of them, he would never forget—unfortunately. Shuddering, he could recall being on his knees for nearly an hour in the locker room. He hated who he was as a freshman… “ _Do you want to be punished?_ ”

Neal closed his eyes and breathed shakily as he whispered, “Yes.” The physical pain also helped him a great deal. There were times when he would be in the middle of having sex with Matthew and he’d suddenly think about Kate or the child they would never have—the child who would never be given a chance. “I deserve to be punished.”

Two years may have passed, but the pain in his heart would never pass. It dulled on occasion, but the anniversary of his immense loss hurt him deeply for quite some time. In fact, he’d fallen to pieces on the second anniversary. Matthew had been there, but he didn’t even bother to ask Neal if there were anything he could do for him. So, in essence, Matthew hadn’t _been_ there.

The evening passed rather quickly once Matthew came home to the apartment he and Neal were sharing. As expected, they’d fucked until Matthew came. Matthew fell asleep before Neal had the chance to do the same, so Neal took care of himself in the shower. He was used to this, but that didn’t mean he enjoyed it. He honestly did want someone to care enough about him and his satisfaction, but he was fully aware that Matthew would never be that someone.

Glancing down at his wrists, he sighed heavily. They were bruising and a bit raw since Matthew tied him up. Of course it hurt, but that was exactly what he sought.

By the time Matthew woke up, showered, and dressed himself, Neal was ready to go. He’d dressed fairly well, but it was still casual. He didn’t like wearing suits. They felt too restrictive to him.

What he didn’t imagine feeling even more so restrictive was the heaviness in his heart as he walked in the hallways of his old high school with Matthew. He passed by his old homeroom, Kate’s old homeroom, the locker they’d shared for two of their four years… He ended up stopping in front of the locker. Given that this reunion was in the summer, no teenagers were currently in the school, which meant none of the lockers were locked.

Matthew watched Neal when he suddenly stopped. He was aggravated because he wanted to be in the gymnasium before specific people arrived, but he didn’t say anything. He wondered why Neal felt compelled to open up this particular locker. As far as he knew, Neal hadn’t gone to this school. “What the hell are you doing?” he eventually growled when Neal stared into the locker. Neal startled and slammed the locker shut before following Matthew. His own reunion would be in a couple of years, so he figured he could come alone and reminisce on his own.

Upon entering the gymnasium, Matthew immediately recognized one of his old friends. He dragged Neal along because he was planning on showing off. Neal didn’t particularly care, but it still bothered him just a little to know he was only attractive to this man because of his appearance. “Matthew,” the man said when Matthew came around to stand in front of him. Neal looked down at the floor anxiously because he could feel his heart preparing to explode out of his chest. “It’s been quite some time since we crossed paths. How are you?”

Neal was in an incredible amount of emotional pain the longer he stood there. “I’m doing really well. How about yourself?”

“Pretty good.” He paused for a moment before another man joined them. “You remember Peter.” Matthew nodded even though he tensed. Neal looked up when he felt Matthew’s hand tighten around his own. He hadn’t immediately recognized the voice of the man Matthew had come over to interact with, but he certainly recognized the face—and the other man as well.

The men in front of him were former football players, but Neal didn’t remember them being in the locker room several years ago… “I see you’re still together.”

The man directly in front of Neal now was someone Neal hadn’t thought about in quite some time, but he could see the recognition spark in the man’s eyes when their eyes met. “Neal Caffrey?” Neal’s lips parted because he honestly hadn’t expected this man to remember him. “Jesus Christ. It’s been even longer since I’ve seen you.” Neal blushed immediately. Even though this man hadn’t exactly greeted Matthew with a handshake, this man forewent that completely and proceeded to pull Neal into an embrace, stunning him further.

Neal subconsciously rested his hands on the man’s back while he was held tightly against him. They hadn’t even been close in high school, so he wondered what the hell. “Peter Burke,” he whispered when the man finally pulled away—but just barely. He was gently gripping Neal’s upper arms while smiling at him. “It’s nice to see you.”

Peter’s smile transformed into a broad grin. “Indeed.” The man beside Peter was watching them as curiously as Matthew was. Neither of the two men understood the connection here. Matthew hadn’t realized that Neal had attended the same high school and the man beside Peter couldn’t remember ever having seen Neal before. “David, this is Neal Caffrey. He and I shared an art history class in my senior year.” Neal could remember that. He and Peter worked together on a research project in that class. They’d gotten an A plus on it, but he didn’t quite understand how Peter remembered him. “Neal, this is my boyfriend—David Siegel.”

David kissed Peter’s shoulder and added, “We’ve been together since our sophomore year. Everyone thought we’d be broken up by now.” He met Peter’s gaze the second Peter looked at him. “Good thing this man loves me more than anything.” Peter gave his boyfriend a soft smile before kissing him. “How long have you been with Matthew?”

“Since he was a freshman.” Peter raised an eyebrow when Matthew answered aggressively. He knew that was bullshit because Matthew had been interested in _him_ and tried to ruin his relationship with David.

Neal shook his head and corrected him. “Seven months.” Peter nodded because that was more realistic. Besides, he knew about Neal’s previous relationships. One of the guys he’d been in a relationship with used to be one of Peter’s closest friends. He heard that man talk about Neal and it hurt him very deeply. Peter broke his ties to that man when he overheard a discussion between him and two others that involved the possibility of fucking Neal as if he were a toy. He also sympathized for Neal because Neal hadn’t been treated right by anyone—including the majority of the football team.

Matthew was glaring at Neal until Neal finally looked at him, then he seemed to shrink into himself and away from Matthew. Peter immediately noticed that. Part of him wanted to punch Matthew because he knows what kind of man Matthew became. He’s always been very abusive and now Neal was on the receiving end of that abuse. “Neal, why don’t you go take a seat somewhere and let the big boys catch up?”

Peter kept his eyes on Neal. He could see the regret and sadness in his expression even as he nodded and proceeded to walk away.

Neal chose to seat himself at a table that was empty and surrounded by other empty tables. He knew he was going to get chewed out by Matthew later. Matthew wanted to brag about his life to make it seem like he had the best of everything. Neal just didn’t want to be part of a web of lies. He didn’t like lying. Unfortunately, Matthew was going to make him regret opening his mouth…

After roughly half an hour, Neal managed to find a piece of paper to mess around with to keep himself busy. At least until someone grabbed a nearby chair and pulled it closer to him, startling him. “It’s just me,” Peter said when Neal looked up at him fearfully. Neal immediately relaxed when Peter sat down beside him. “David had to take a phone call and Matthew wanted to mingle with other people, so…” He shrugged. “I wanted to come see you.” Neal smiled weakly, wondering why Peter enjoyed seeing him so much. “You’re looking good.”

Without thinking too much about it, Neal responded, “You’re not looking too bad yourself.” Peter blushed while smiling at him. “How are you able to remember me? I would’ve thought you’d forget about a lame freshman.”

Peter chuckled. “You weren’t just a lame freshman. You’re incredibly smart.” Neal felt like there was something more that Peter wanted to tell him, but he wasn’t planning on pushing for anything more. “Honestly, you probably don’t even realize the extent of which you inspired me after I graduated.” Neal’s brows furrowed as he wondered what that was supposed to mean. “I told you I wanted to major in law, didn’t I?” Neal nodded. “I decided to switch to art after we worked on our project together.” He was looking at Neal so intensely and happily that Neal was starting to feel butterflies fluttering in his stomach. Something wasn’t right with this particular situation… “I’m actually doing really well because I remembered what you told me.”

“What’s that?”

“Art is the best way to find and lose yourself.” Neal’s lips parted because he did remember saying that to Peter offhandedly once in class. He actually listened to him though? “You’re correct. I’m not as talented in art as you are, but I’ve been doing digital art and I thoroughly enjoy it. I’ve discovered a lot of things while working on my own art, but I’ve also noticed how easy it is to pass the time while I’m in the process.”

Neal swallowed and forced a laugh. “I didn’t realize that would have such an impact on you. Honestly, I didn’t even think you heard me say it.”

Peter nodded. “I did. It made me think about a lot.” He seemed to subconsciously rest his right hand atop Neal’s left while staring at his face. “My father is a police officer, so I thought becoming a lawyer would impress him, but he’s been very impressed with the amount of creativity I’ve shown since changing my mind.”

The younger man froze with his eyes locked onto Peter’s. He could feel a very deep connection to Peter that he didn’t quite understand. Evidently, Peter could feel it, too. Peter squeezed Neal’s hand gently and tentatively began to lean towards him—until Neal snapped out of it and said, “Peter, what are we doing?”

Sitting up straighter, Peter looked a little mortified. “Uh… I don’t know. I’m sorry.” He shifted his hand to rest it on the table, cleared his throat, and looked away from Neal.

“Are you…hitting on me?” Peter looked at him again. He seemed so uncertain, which wasn’t helping Neal’s own personal feelings. “I mean, it’s flattering, but our boyfriends are literally right over there.” He nodded and lowered his gaze to the table. Tentatively, Neal reached out to touch Peter’s bicep. “I don’t really understand what’s going on between us right now. It’s been quite a while since we’ve been around each other.” Peter swallowed hard as he nodded. Neal stared at him curiously before whispering, “You’re still with David.”

One thing Neal had always tried to forget was this man. They’d done their project together, but they’d also done something else together that no one else knew about. In fact, Neal tried to forget about it so he didn’t feel worse about himself as time went on. “Neal,” he pleaded quietly.

“I know,” Neal said with a sigh. “It’s water under the bridge now…”

Peter furrowed his brows and stared at him incredulously. “Do you think that meant nothing to me?” It was Neal’s turn to swallow hard. “I know what I did was wrong, but it did mean something significant to me.” Peter knew he was acting desperate, but it’d been nearly ten years since the last time he saw Neal...

“You used me,” he hissed. Peter kept staring at him incredulously, wondering how Neal had come to that conclusion. “Peter, I never told anyone because I promised you I wouldn’t, but this has hurt me for a very long time. Seeing you here doesn’t help.” Peter could understand that, but he still didn’t understand how Neal believed he’d used him. “I was a stupid, naïve fifteen year old and you took advantage of me.”

Peter gaped at him. “I did no such thing.”

“Then what do you call sneaking me into your room for a quick one night stand in the middle of the night?” Peter pursed his lips for that. He could now understand why Neal thought he’d been used. “You drove to my house, picked me up, we fucked in the backseat… Then you took me back to your place and fucked me in your bed.” Peter nodded because he refused to deny that he and Neal had been intimate before. “You got what you wanted. Weren’t you satisfied?”

“Don’t you dare act like that was the very first time we’d been together. It certainly wasn’t nor was it the last—and that only happened once.” The older man shook his head. “I didn’t get what I wanted,” he admitted. “You left in the middle of the night, Neal.” Neal looked upset, so Peter took his hand and said, “I didn’t want you to leave.”

Neal forced a laugh. “What did you want me to do then—play your fuck toy for the unforeseeable future?”

“Why are you so angry? You consented, didn’t you?”

Neal’s shoulders tensed. “Of course I consented. What I didn’t realize until I saw a text message from your boyfriend was that you weren’t interested in me for relationship purposes.” Peter looked at him as if he’d grown a second head. “David texted you ‘I love you.’ We’d been sneaking around for several months and I had no clue that you had a boyfriend.”

Peter closed his eyes. “I tried to talk to you and you ignored me.” Neal opened his mouth to speak, but Peter spoke over him. “I cheated on him, but I cheated for a reason. I cheated because I wasn’t happy—because I’m not happy.” He opened his eyes then and stared at Neal sadly. “David and I have been together for a long time, but I… When I met you, I discovered the meaning of happiness. Happiness was the way you looked at me, the way you smiled, and the way you laughed when I made a lame joke. Happiness was the ecstasy you experienced when I made love to you.”

When Peter noticed the way Neal’s entire body tensed, he felt hands on his shoulders. Glancing up, David was standing above him. He leaned down and kissed Peter gently, but it felt possessive to Peter—as if David felt threatened by Neal. “What’re you boys up to?”

“Just talking,” Peter said smoothly. He glanced at Neal again, giving him a sad look. Neal lifted his eyes to meet Peter’s then. He could see Peter pleading with him, but Peter’s boyfriend as well as his own was a complication. David took a seat, eyeing how close Peter had shifted his seat to Neal. “How’s your mom?”

“Fine,” David said bluntly. Peter looked at his boyfriend for several moments before glancing back at Neal. Neal felt extremely uncomfortable with the way David was looking at him. “I didn’t think you were friends with anyone outside of the football team.”

Peter slowly nodded. “Neal and I partnered up on a project in one class.”

David was silently judging Neal. He also knew about what Neal had done with just about every member of the football team back in high school. It took him a few minutes to figure out how he knew Neal’s name, but he eventually remembered. Truth be told, he honestly believes Neal is a whore. Little did he know that his own boyfriend had been sexually involved with Neal. “I’m just… I’m going to go find Matthew. I’m not feeling well.”

Peter stood when Neal did, which startled Neal. The two men locked gazes once again, but Neal was able to make Peter crack. Sitting back down, Peter watched Neal stare him down. He left without another word, leaving David and Peter alone. “What the hell was that?” David snapped at Peter. “Who the hell is he, Peter?”

“Just a guy I worked on a project with,” Peter said defensively. “What’re you so worried about?”

David’s brows furrowed. “The fact that you’d want to seek revenge for what I did to you.”

Peter growled, “I’m not going to fuck someone at random just because you cheated on me. I caught you in bed with another man and you and I are still working through that issue.” David nodded slowly. “Don’t factor Neal into our issues, David, unless you want to make matters so much worse.”

Neal hadn’t gotten too far before he’d overheard the heated words between the two boyfriends. As much as he wanted to hate Peter, he did feel bad for him. David never caught the two of them together, but Peter caught David with another man. Some might say it was karma, but Neal didn’t think that was okay either way. He figured it would still hurt considerably.

Shaking his head, he decided it was none of his business. Peter was a past problem that he was going to let go of completely someday—he hoped.

•◊•

Neal was a little concerned when he logged into his Facebook account a few months following Matthew’s high school reunion. Peter had requested to be his friend and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to accept it or not. Matthew was already considering the idea that Neal was cheating on him and he hadn’t been very kind with his accusations. Neal’s black eye and split lip could attest to that.

He was home alone after he’d just been abused by Matthew prior to Matthew leaving for work and Peter had once told him that he was more than welcome to talk to him about anything. After accepting the friend request, he realized Peter was online at that very moment. Rather than hesitating, he composed a new message to Peter and wrote: “Can I please talk to you?”

A few moments passed before it showed that Peter had seen the message. “ _Of course. What’s up?_ ”

Breathing shakily as tears slid down his face, he responded with: “I need help. I need help getting away from Matthew.”

Peter didn’t hesitate to acknowledge that he’d seen the message and begin typing his response. “ _Absolutely. Give me your address and I’ll come over right away._ ”

Neal quickly typed the address of the apartment and Peter acknowledged it, but he didn’t respond. He hoped that meant Peter was leaving immediately. Shutting his laptop, he glanced around at the bedroom he shared with Matthew. His own blood was all over their sheets and he wasn’t quite sure if it was from the sex, his nose, or his lips.

He didn’t want to think about it either way. Instead, he chose to rush around and throw all of his essentials into one of Matthew’s backpacks. He didn’t need much. He just wanted to get the hell away from this man. He’d already blocked Matthew on Facebook and he blacklisted Matthew’s phone number on his cellphone. In addition, he left a note on the nightstand to make sure Matthew knew it was officially over.

As he rushed to pack his belongings, he continued to cry. Today already wasn’t pleasant for him. Everything Matthew had done to him didn’t help. Matters were only worse after that. At least until he heard banging on the door, followed by, “Neal, it’s me.” Dropping his backpack, he darted to the door, unlocked it, and threw it open. Peter was going to rush into the apartment to help him, but he startled when he saw Neal’s black eye and bloody lip. “Did he do this to you?” Neal nodded. He was trying to convince himself that everything would be okay now, but he ended up crashing against Peter and sobbing against Peter’s shoulder.

“I want to leave,” Neal said thickly.

Peter rubbed his back and said, “It’s okay, Neal. It’s okay.” He listened to Neal cry and it broke his heart. He’d had strong feelings for Neal for a very long time, so this was extremely painful for him. It’d been quite a while since the last time he heard Neal cry. After all, he was the one who took Neal’s virginity. He’d inadvertently hurt Neal in the process, but both of them knew it was going to hurt. “Come on. Let’s get you out of here.” He helped Neal finish packing his things and then proceeded to help him get everything to the car.

Peter had been in his own apartment alone, but David would undoubtedly return soon. In all honesty, Peter didn’t care about what David may have to say upon seeing Neal in their apartment. Yes, he’d been dating David for two years prior to meeting Neal, but he’d fallen in love with Neal very deeply and very quickly. “I’m sorry,” Neal said miserably. “I’m a crying mess and I’m sorry for that. I’m just a mess in general.”

“How come?” Peter asked sadly as he stood beside Neal. Neal was rubbing his eyes and gasping every now and then as he attempted to calm himself down, but Peter could see that something much more painful was hurting Neal than the abuse he’d endured with Matthew. “Neal, what’s wrong?”

Neal shook his head. “I don’t want to talk about it. Not right now.” Peter nodded as he rested a hand on Neal’s lower back. It’d been a long time since he’d touched Neal intimately, but he hadn’t lied when he said their intimacy meant something significant to him. As he kissed Neal’s hair in the hopes of soothing him somewhat, Neal realized that this probably hadn’t been his smartest decision. He knows now how Peter feels about him and he knew he was further complicating complicated matters. “Peter, I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t… You know.”

Of course he knew. He’d tried to convince Neal nearly a decade ago that he was in love with him, but Neal wouldn’t hear it. Neal felt betrayed because Peter had been sleeping with him behind his boyfriend’s back. If Peter had told him about David and if Peter had broken up with David, things may have turned out differently, but this was the way everything ended up. He hadn’t spoken to Peter in a long time by his own choice. The pain he’d endured after that was something he carried with him all this time, but he decided shortly thereafter that he wasn’t going to let Peter consume his thoughts and dreams.

The two men climbed into Peter’s car and sat in uncomfortable silence for several minutes before Peter asked, “Are you planning on breaking up with him?” Neal looked over at him immediately. “He hurt you, Neal. I mean, I have no right to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do in your love life, but… But I know you. I know you respect yourself and that he disrespects you. The physical harm he’s brought to you is a clear sign of his disrespect for you.”

“I… Yes.” Neal sighed before whispering, “But there’s another man I’m interested in.” He could almost hear Peter’s heart sink. Peter was hoping that this would be his chance to leave David and _finally_ pursue Neal. “I don’t want to talk about my relationships with you, Peter. I don’t owe you anything.”

Peter nodded slowly. “You don’t,” Peter conceded. “I just hope you know I have your best interests at heart.” When he paused at a light, he looked at Neal sadly. “Even if you and I never go anywhere, I’ll always be here if you need me.”

Neal was silent once again after that. The silence alone told Peter that he was making Neal uncomfortable. That was the last thing he ever wanted to do, so he knew he needed to take things down a notch. He’d been love-stricken the second he laid eyes on Neal on the first day of his senior year—and of Neal’s freshman year. Unfortunately, he’d severely hurt Neal by making him feel like a dirty little secret, so he figured Neal was no longer interested in him. Not that he could really blame him…

“You need to let go of whatever feelings you have for me,” Neal eventually whispered. His heart ached as he let Peter down. He’d had feelings for Peter a long time ago, but he didn’t think he could forgive Peter—even after all of this time. “I appreciate you coming to help me,” he said as he sniffled, “but I’m not going to allow myself to become your sex toy again.”

Peter had begun driving moments prior to Neal making that statement, but he immediately hit the brakes. Neal made a sound of discomfort as the seatbelt tightened around his chest and he slammed into it simultaneously. Neal stared at Peter incredulously for a few moments before noticing how white his knuckles had become the longer they sat there in silence—with people honking their horns behind them, too. “Don’t you _ever_ say that again,” he hissed. “You were _not_ a toy to me.” Neal’s lips parted as he kept his eyes on Peter. Even as Peter began to drive once again, he wondered why Peter had that sudden reaction to his words. “I was a stupid teenager back then and I’m sorry for hurting you, but I never intended to hurt you and I’ve learned since then not to make that same mistake again.”

It became very evident to Neal that Peter hadn’t stopped thinking about the last time they’d spoken to each other. He hadn’t given Peter a significant reason for their ‘breakup,’ but he did say it was relatively personal. Of course Peter now knew the reasons that Neal had broken things off with him, but he’d spent roughly a decade wondering what he’d done so wrong to make Neal give up on what they had. And they had something very, very special. Even Neal could admit to that. While he’d like to believe that Peter simply used him for sex, he did remember how passionate Peter had been with him. Peter had done his best to make sure he wasn’t in severe pain and he’d done his best to make sure Neal knew he was loved and appreciated.

Neal just preferred to be bitter about it because it broke his heart to find out Peter was in a relationship with someone else. He’d believed that he was in a relationship with Peter, but that hadn’t been the case.

Unfortunately, this particular day was the day he’d broken up with Peter so long ago. It was also the anniversary of Kate and their child’s untimely death. There was no way in hell he was going to open himself up so freely to Peter right now though. Even if Peter were more than willing to listen to him, Neal didn’t want Peter to know just how deeply hurt he was. Today held significant emotional pain in more ways than one. “Did you honestly love me, Peter?” he whispered, feeling genuinely curious to know the absolute truth here.

Peter began to drive again, but he didn’t hesitate to say, “I did.” There was a brief moment of silence before Peter added, “And I still do.” He sighed and whispered, “I would leave David right now if you asked me to, Neal. That’s how deeply I love you.”

“But why didn’t you leave him back then? You were unhappy with him and you still are.”

“Because I was an idiot teenager,” Peter said solemnly. “I didn’t know how good I had it with you until you were gone.” He drifted back to their high school time together and he could remember how giddy and comfortable Neal made him feel. He and David hadn’t shared lunch together at that time, so he’d invited Neal to sit with him and a few of his friends since they’d shared a lunch period. At first, all he’d wanted to do was make Neal feel comfortable and like he fit in. As it turned out, he developed deeper feelings for Neal the more they spent time together. “Not a single day has gone by when I haven’t regretted what happened between us. Being with you was the happiest period of my life.”

Neal wished he had it in him to say the same. Peter had been the happiest period of his life as well, but he didn’t have it in him to let himself be hurt again. Of course he still had feelings for the other man, but they weren’t going to act on anything. Peter was in an unhappy and unhealthy relationship simply because he didn’t want to be alone and because he couldn’t have Neal.

If Neal wanted to be very, very honest with himself, he had to admit that he wanted nothing more than to be with this sweet man again…

•◊•

Six years following the death of Kate and their child, Neal found himself engaged to a man he’d only been with for nearly a year. He’d broken up with Matthew quite some time ago since Peter had gone with him to protect him and ensure that Matthew wouldn’t try something terrible when he wanted to breakup with him verbally since Matthew hadn’t gotten the hint from his note. Everything ended on a decent note, but Matthew threatened to kill him if he ever saw him again. Naturally, Peter took a great deal of offense to Matthew’s declaration and a physical fight ensued. Neal had to drag Peter away from Matthew that night because he was afraid of Peter getting into legal trouble.

That was over a year ago and nothing had changed between them. They were close, yes, but not close enough. Neal was relatively happy with his fiancé, but he couldn’t help his near crippling depression that resurfaced each and every year at this time. This day would haunt him for the rest of his life because it was the day he’d given up on having the future he wanted with Peter and it was also the end of his best friend’s life—as well as the child she had been carrying for him.

It was four in the morning and Neal was reliving the horrific events of receiving a phone call from Kate’s mother as well as from seeing the evidence that two important lives had been lost simultaneously. Tears were sliding down his face and into his pillow just as they had six years ago—just as they had each and every year upon this day.

“Why are you awake?” his fiancé asked, startling him. He glanced to his left to look at the man who was nearly twice his age. His fiancé, Vincent Adler, wasn’t a particularly tender man, but he was good to Neal. He never beat him or sexually assaulted him, so that was a step in the right direction. The only problem he honestly had with Vincent was that he’s a very possessive man who didn’t like when Neal spoke to other men—whether it be in person or on social media. In essence, this meant that he wasn’t _allowed_ to speak to Peter…

“Can’t sleep,” he murmured as he sniffled quietly. He turned onto his side and curled up against Vincent. This man was all the comfort he could have right now and sometimes even Vincent couldn’t comfort him enough. Sometimes, he wished he could be in Peter’s arms. Peter always held him so warmly and made him feel so loved. “Go back to sleep. You’ve got a presentation early in the morning.”

Vincent nodded sleepily as he drifted back to sleep. He never held Neal when they slept and Neal wished he could. Shit, he and Peter hadn’t even been in an official relationship and Peter _always_ held him when they were in bed together, whether they had sex or not.

Neal spent the remainder of the night thinking about his past. Thinking about his past with Peter was a lot less painful than thinking about what had happened to Kate and their child. Peter, now that he considered all of this, had shown signs of being in love with him while they’d been sleeping together. What was strange was the fact that Peter hadn’t felt the need to hide his attraction to Neal when they’d been at school. He’d wrapped his arm around Neal’s shoulders and held him close or he’d walk through the hallways while holding his hand. Peter even kissed him once. Peter had been his first in more ways than one and there were nights when he regretted that, but there were others when he was grateful that a man like Peter had been the man to kiss him for the very first time as well as the man who took his virginity.

When Vincent woke up again, he initiated a quickie with Neal as was their custom in the morning and proceeded to head to the shower so he could get ready for work. Neal knew he himself had to get ready for work, but he didn’t feel like moving. In fact, he felt like calling in sick. He was emotionally miserable and didn’t want to deal with anyone’s drama at work. His boss liked him, so he might be able to call off without too much of an issue…

“Babe, are you going to get out of bed today?” Vincent asked upon coming back into the bedroom after his shower. He paused and looked at Neal intently. While he didn’t particularly notice when Neal was down all that often, he could see that tears were welling up in Neal’s eyes. “What’s going on?” He figured something was wrong with his fiancé, but he had no idea what that might be.

“I’m not feeling all that great,” Neal whispered.

Vincent’s brows furrowed as he neared the bed. He’d seen Neal cry when Neal was sitting alone in the study at times, but he’d never really felt the need to ask why. He figured Neal would open up to him if he felt like he wanted to, but this was concerning to him because he wanted to keep Neal in his life and in his bed. “Was the sex bad?”

Neal shook his head. “Never,” he said quietly. “Just…not feeling well.” Vincent felt his fiancé’s forehead with the back of his hand before nodding. “Am I warm?”

“You sure are,” Vincent confirmed. “Stay in bed, kiddo.” Forcing a smile, Neal nodded. He closed his eyes when Vincent leaned forward to kiss his cheek. He hated being called ‘kiddo’ by his fiancé, but he wasn’t going to make an issue of it. Not this morning—not when he was in emotional pain already. “I love you.”

“Love you, too,” Neal whispered. He didn’t want to admit to himself that he isn’t in love with Vincent because he didn’t want to admit that there’s another man he’s in love with—a man he hadn’t been with in quite some time. In a way, he was just settling the same way Peter was settling with David. Neither of them were incredibly happy in their relationships, but neither of them would do anything about it. Peter and David have too much history together. He and Vincent are engaged.

Vincent took care of calling Neal in sick. He knew Neal’s boss fairly well, so he figured the man would accept a call from him on Neal’s behalf. Neal decided to stay in bed even though that’s what he planned on doing regardless of whether or not Vincent told him to do so.

Pulling his phone out, Neal jumped on Facebook. He and Peter were still friends on the social media site, but it’d been a while since they’d spoken to each other. In fact, Peter had sent him a message a few months ago that Vincent forbade him from responding to.

Opening up the chat with Peter, he reread their messages. They were fairly innocent and didn’t reference their high school sex life, so Vincent had nothing to complain about aside from the fact that he’d been talking to another man.

Neal startled when a new message popped up suddenly—from Peter. “ _I miss you._ ”

Biting his lip, Neal debated on how he wanted to respond, if he even wanted to respond. Of course he wanted to respond. “I miss you, too,” he replied. “How’re you?”

Peter saw his message, but took a few moments before he began typing up a response. “ _Not so good. Can we meet somewhere and talk?_ ” Neal hesitated. Peter must’ve figured about two minutes took too long for a response… “ _Please? I really need you._ ”

Sighing, Neal immediately wrote, “When and where?”

“ _Are you free now?_ ”

Neal smiled a little. “Yes.”

“ _Want to meet at the high school? Remember our spot?_ ”

Tears welled up in Neal’s eyes as he thought back to their ‘spot’ back then. It’d been the roof since they found a way to sneak up there together. It didn’t even require entering the school. “Of course,” he wrote back. “I’ll see you there.”

Neal dressed himself up to look decent. This obviously meant Peter _needed_ him and he figured he could handle being a booty call for Peter. It was wrong, but he’d do it. To be honest, he’d do anything for Peter… If he had to turn around and drop his pants to make Peter happy, he figured it was worth it. It would help him forget his own pain for a short time.

It took him forty-five minutes to drive from Vincent’s home to the high school he and Peter had attended so long ago. He smiled when he saw that Peter was already here. Pulling up beside Peter’s car, Neal parked his own car. He climbed out quickly and locked it up before heading over to the school. He remembered exactly where the hidden stairway was in between the two connected buildings that made up the school, so it didn’t take long for him to climb up the six flights of exterior stairs that led him up to the roof.

Peter was sitting in the corner of the roof that they used to sit in when they wanted to skip class and be together. “Hey,” he said softly.

“Hey,” Neal whispered as he approached the other man. Peter seemed like he’d believed Neal may not actually show up. “I’m sorry I took so long to get here. The house is almost an hour away and I was speeding, too.”

The other man nodded before patting the ground beside him. Neal was quick to take a seat beside him, pulling his knees up to his chest. Immediately, Peter’s eyes focused on the ring he was wearing on his left ring finger. His eyes widened before they met Neal’s. “You’re…engaged?” He sounded like he was in an immense amount of pain. “When did that happen?”

Neal shrugged. “It’s not that big a deal.”

Peter looked away from him and said, “It is to me.”

Silently, Neal observed Peter. He could see how tense the other man had become. All he wanted to do was massage Peter’s shoulders the way he’d massaged them in the past after sex or after a particularly stressful day for Peter. “He’s, uh…” Clearing his throat, he shook his head. Peter met his gaze then, looking at him questioningly. “Well, let’s just say he’s old enough to be my father.”

Neal completely forgot that he’d opened up too much to Peter when they were younger, so the first response Peter had to him was, “Tell me he isn’t just like your father.” Brows furrowed, Neal shook his head. “You told me that your father abused you when you were younger, which is how you and your mother ended up here.”

“Yeah,” Neal whispered. “No, Vincent is different. He doesn’t hurt me.” Unspoken words hung in the air between them about Neal’s last relationship before Vincent because Peter had been there to see the aftermath of the abuse. He’d taken care of Neal in a sense, without David even knowing. Peter offered Neal the spare bed with him and David, but there was no way in hell he was going to sleep near the two of them. The last thing he wanted to hear was them having sex—even though he had no idea that Peter hadn’t had sex since the very last time he and Neal slept together. He’d taken up the offer of living temporarily in a hotel room, which had worked out until Neal was asked by Vincent to move in with him since his place was far more luxurious than a hotel room.

Peter looked at him longingly, wishing he could do so much more than simply look at him. “Does he make you happy?” Neal nodded subtly. He didn’t respond verbally because he didn’t want to. “Your status on Facebook still shows you as single…”

Neal nodded again. It helped that Vincent wasn’t on Facebook and had no idea how to use it, so he couldn’t verify whether or not Neal made it known to the public that he was engaged. “I didn’t want you to know,” he admitted. “I didn’t want to cause you pain.”

Sighing quietly, Peter said, “Neal, you’re all I ever think about. You’re all I want.” He gently took Neal’s hand in his own, intertwining their fingers, and squeezed his hand gently. “I…saw your mother not too long ago.” Neal stiffened at the mention of his mother. Peter knew their relationship was a very touchy subject, but he also figured the subject he intended on bringing up next would be just as touchy if not more so. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you what?” Neal asked, wondering where Peter was going with this. He hadn’t spoken to his mother since moving out of her house, so he didn’t think he had any news about her to share with Peter.

“Kate,” he whispered. Neal’s heart shattered at the mention of his best friend. “I thought you two had a falling out. I didn’t realize you two got together.”

Neal shook his head. “We weren’t together as a romantic couple.”

Peter looked confused. “But she was…” Neal silently nodded as he closed his eyes and proceeded to bow his head. The anguish he was trying to shove down was beginning to surge back up to the surface once more. It threatened to consume him, especially now that Peter knew. Neither Matthew nor Vincent knew and he’d been in official relationships with them for an extended period of time. Matthew told him to stop being a pussy and Vincent always assumed it was the sex that hurt him when Neal had his annual breakdown. “Neither of them survived?”

“No,” Neal whispered. “There was no chance that the baby would survive since Kate was shot in the abdomen. She fought for her life in a coma and…lost.” Peter stared at Neal sadly. He knew how close Neal and Kate had been in high school, but he hadn’t honestly believed Neal and Kate would get into a relationship. Tears welled up in Neal’s eyes as he remembered seeing their lifeless child that had been extracted per an unsuccessful emergency request, which was then followed up with Kate’s lifeless body. “It should’ve been me,” Neal groaned as the tears began to slide down his cheeks. “I asked her to get us some groceries while I worked because I knew I’d be too tired after work. If I had just done it myself, they’d still be alive.”

Staring in silent horror at the man beside him, Peter watched Neal break down. He always thought Neal was so strong because he’d put up with so much and lived through hell from time to time, but he didn’t realize just how much pain was holed up inside of him. “You couldn’t have known,” Peter tried to say soothingly. “And it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t kill them.”

“It should’ve been me,” he repeated brokenly. “I should have been the one who was shot—not her. I should be dead. She and the baby should still be alive.”

Peter considered letting Neal release his emotions until he couldn’t do so anymore, but watching him suffer was breaking his heart. Instead, he pulled Neal close and held him tightly—as tightly as he had when he begged Neal not to leave him about a decade ago and as tightly as he’d held Neal when they made love before. He always had a soft spot for Neal and he believed Neal deserved the best. He wanted Neal to feel loved because Neal couldn’t even love himself. “Don’t say that,” Peter whispered in his ear as Neal began to sob against him. He just realized how awful today, October eighteenth, was for Neal. Not only had Neal broken up with him on the same day so long ago, but Kate and an unborn child had been murdered on the same date only a few years earlier… “I don’t want to think about you not being here, Neal. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through, but please don’t say that you should’ve been the one who was killed…”

He held Neal as Neal broke down for nearly an hour before Neal finally began to calm himself down. “I’ve never talked to anyone about this,” Neal admitted to him. He cleared his throat as he nuzzled his face into the crook of Peter’s neck. “I don’t know what it is about you, but I’ve always felt so damn comfortable talking to you about anything and everything…”

Chuckling sadly, Peter kissed Neal’s cheek and whispered, “Because you trust me and I think you know I’ll always be here for you.” He meant that. Even if he and Neal didn’t get back together or have a future together, he would always drop everything he’s doing to be wherever Neal needed him to be.

Neal hesitated a few moments before nodding. What Peter said to him was true and he knew that even if he’d spent several years telling himself that Peter had used and abused him. He rubbed his body up against Peter’s because he could feel the heat generating between them. Peter made him feel warm whenever he was around. He also made him feel loved. Neal knew Peter could appreciate him, but he was too afraid to admit that he’d only been in love with Peter since the very first time they made love.

Their first time hadn’t been a quickie nor had it felt like a one night stand. Both men could remember the night rather well because it was significantly important to them. Peter had discovered true happiness and Neal had found his true love.

“Peter…” he whispered, looking up at Peter pleadingly. He was trying to convey something Peter already reciprocated, but he was still hesitant. As Neal sat up a little straighter, Peter’s eyes followed Neal’s movements. The older man’s eyes eventually drifted towards Neal’s lips because he _knew._ He knew exactly what Neal wasn’t saying. Even though he’d been in love with Neal for a decade, he still had a very hard time forgetting the way Neal looked when they’d broken up.

Peter leaned closer to Neal and pressed their lips together gently, initiating a soft kiss with the younger man. Neal was a bit reluctant at first, but he was fully aware of the fact that he could pull away at any given moment. Peter had never been forceful with him—because he loves him. Sliding his right arm around Peter’s neck, Neal deepened the kiss.

Of course they both knew this was wrong. Both of them were in a relationship and Neal is engaged. They were being unfaithful to men they’d claimed to love.

Neither of them gave a damn though.

They kissed for what felt like eternity because this was all they’d wanted for the last decade. Neal wanted to blame Peter for the pain he’d felt for so long, but, in reality, it was just him hating the fact that he’d given up parts of himself to Peter that he never shared with anyone else ever again. Having sex with anyone else felt so wrong because Peter made it feel so right.

Before they both knew it, Peter was making Neal feel like things were so right once again.

Peter took Neal back to his place and kissed him fiercely the second they were inside. Clothes were immediately shed when the door slammed shut. Hands were roaming all over each other’s body until Peter bent slightly and gripped the backs of Neal’s knees, promptly lifting him up a moment later. Neal’s arms wound around his neck. All of this was done without ever once breaking the kiss—because they’d done this before. It’d been a while, of course, but they’d done this many, many times in the past.

Neal liked having a man take control, but he also liked when a man romanced him. Peter had always been very good at balancing the control and romance when they were together, which is exactly why Neal could never erase the memories of being with Peter. Peter had given him exactly what he needed and wanted. He just hadn’t expected Peter to remember these things, too.

Even when Peter accidentally slammed Neal’s back into a doorframe, Neal moaned in pleasure. He could hear Peter growl, “Fuck,” under his breath before quickly readjusting so he could carry Neal into the bedroom without hurting him further. Both men gasped when Peter spun around, fell backwards, and held Neal on top of him. “You’re still as light as you were ten years ago,” Peter breathed against his lips, teasing him. Neal chuckled as Peter’s hands began to slide over the backs of his thighs and eventually his calves. “And still just as beautiful.” Neal couldn’t help the fact that he blushed at the compliment. Peter had always been incredibly sweet… Peter stared up at Neal, furrowing his brows slightly. “Has no one told you lately just how beautiful you are?”

Neal shrugged. “I’m, uh… I’m kind of just a nice piece of ass.”

Peter shook his head vehemently. “Don’t you dare believe that,” he said fiercely. Neal loved the fire he could see in Peter’s eyes. Peter truly cares about him and wants him to love himself. It was painfully obvious that Neal doesn’t love himself, but he figured Peter would do whatever he possibly could to change that. He’d tried ten years ago and it nearly worked, until he found out Peter was in another relationship at the time. He was pulled out of his thoughts when Peter’s left hand cupped the back of his head and brought his head closer, initiating yet another passionate kiss between them for a few moments. “You are so much more than a nice piece of ass,” Peter growled. “So much more,” he reiterated as he stared into Neal’s eyes.

Butterflies began to flutter in Neal’s belly as he took in the way Peter was staring up at him. He knew Peter had been fascinated with his eyes and his lips back in high school, but he hadn’t imagined that Peter would still be just as interested in those particular features after a decade. “Thank you,” Neal said softly as he smiled down at the other man.

Shaking his head, Peter said, “Don’t thank me for telling you the truth, for telling you exactly how I feel about you.” He stroked Neal’s hair for a few moments before moving his hand back down to the back of Neal’s thigh.

Neal shook his head as he whispered, “I’ve missed you so damn much.” Peter smiled up at him softly. He could remember Neal telling him how sweet he’d been ten years ago, but Neal hadn’t realized he was just being himself. Hopefully, Neal was older now and understood that Peter wasn’t putting on a show for him nor was he just trying to get in his pants. Neal kissed him first then, giving him a rough, yet very loving, kiss. When he pulled away a few moments later, he asked, “Do you have a condom?”

Peter tensed, gripping Neal’s legs a little firmer. Neal gave him a puzzled look, wondering why he’d gotten such a negative reaction from Peter. “You and I didn’t use them back in high school,” Peter whispered as he stared directly into Neal’s eyes. “You’re the only one I’ve ever done it bare with.” Neal’s eyes widened because he hadn’t thought that was the case. He’d just believed Peter never used condoms… “Neal, I haven’t… I haven’t had sex since our last night together.” Neal felt like he’d just been punched in the gut even though Peter hadn’t done anything to him. It was just the words that impacted him so terribly. He’d gone on with his life and had sex with essentially whoever he wanted because he’d chosen to believe Peter only wanted and used him for sex. Now that he knew a little better, he felt awful. “There weren’t any conditions to our breakup. It’s not like I told you not to have sex with anyone else,” Peter whispered. “It was a decision I made because I wanted you and only you. I had you for a little while and I wanted to do my best to get you back someday…”

The younger man bowed his head in embarrassment. He’d given up on romance a long time ago, but he failed to see when he was younger that Peter had given him exactly the kind of romance he was hoping to have someday. “You really do want me?”

“Yes,” Peter whispered. “I wanted you when you were a freshman. I wanted you when I watched you graduate.” Neal’s lips parted at that. He had no idea. “I wanted you since the first time I laid eyes on you. I just never had it in me to force you into something you didn’t want.” He slid his hands up to cup Neal’s ass cheeks lovingly, whispering, “And you’re not just a nice ass for me to use. I want to love you for the rest of my life—and only you, Neal.”

Neal was quiet as he stared at the other man. Tears welled up in his eyes before he finally decided he was capable of speaking. “I’m calling off the engagement.” Those five words stunned Peter. “I want to…to be with you.”

Peter wasn’t going to let this opportunity go to waste. He’d waited ten years and spent those ten years unhappily with David. Neal was willing to give up an engagement for him. The very least he could do was end his twelve year relationship with David. He’d wanted to for a very long time and now he finally had actual incentive to do so. “David and I are over,” Peter told him. “As soon as I see him again, I’ll tell him it’s over.” Neal nodded as he smiled a bit. “For the time being, I want to savor each and every moment I have with you…”

And so they did.

Peter caressed Neal’s warm skin as he made love to him, holding him atop himself for the first half of their lovemaking because he wanted Neal to feel free rather than to feel suppressed beneath him. He also loved when Neal’s sweat dripped down onto his own body. He’d never admitted that to Neal in the past, but he did now. Neal always thought he needed to lie beneath his partners, but Peter was the only one who ever let him ride atop him. Neal’s body reacted to Peter the whole time because Peter made every single nerve in his body come to life. Peter made him feel at ease. Hell, Peter even went so far as licking Neal’s throat, drinking in each and every drop of Neal’s sweat. He wanted to taste and feel every last bit of Neal he could take.

“I didn’t know how much I needed you,” Neal gasped against him as Peter slid his hands up and down his sweaty back, eventually letting one hand drift a little further up to cup the back of Neal’s head. When Peter gave him a spectacularly rough thrust, he gasped louder than he had up to this point. “Jesus Christ,” he breathed. “You complete me.”

Chuckling beneath the younger man, Peter asked, “Didn’t you say that once before?”

Neal laughed a moment later as he nodded. “I swear I did.” Peter ran his fingers through Neal’s sweaty hair while staring up at him. “Damn it. I knew you were the one back then and—”

“Don’t blame yourself,” Peter interrupted him. “I hurt you considerably without meaning to.” He loved when Neal kissed him softly for a split second before giving him enough room to speak again. “I promise you that I’ll never hurt you again, Neal. As long as I live, I’ll do everything within my power to make you as happy as you’ve always made me.”

Even though Neal had trained himself to never believe a man who said that to him, he knew he could believe Peter. He could trust Peter like he’d never trusted anyone else—even Kate. There were things he never opened up to her about that he’d opened up about with Peter, but that was because he’d wanted to spend his life with Peter ten years ago and he still did to this day, even if it took him a considerably long time to admit to that.

When they flipped over and Peter hovered above Neal, Peter was still as loving and gentle with Neal as he had been beneath him. Although, Neal’s hands were now trailing up and down Peter’s back. His fingernails occasionally dug into Peter’s skin, but Peter didn’t mind. He’d always loved how expressive Neal was physically and he’d never tell him not to respond the way he does. If Neal wanted to claw at his back, then he was more than welcome to do just that.

“Fuck,” Neal hissed when Peter began to pound into him while pressing kisses against his cheek and jaw. He began to make unintelligible noises as Peter brought him closer to the edge. Peter always knew how to do just that. Damn was he good at it. He knew how much Neal loved romance and passion, but he also knew Neal did enjoy it rough from time to time. There was a beautiful balance between every aspect of a relationship that Neal wanted from him and he was more than happy to do whatever he could to provide Neal with the satisfaction he deserved.

Neal cried out quietly just as his body began to undulate beneath Peter’s own. “Come for me, beautiful,” Peter pleaded as he nipped at Neal’s jaw. Neal did just that within a matter of moments. He couldn’t control the way his body spasmed against Peter, but he also knew Peter loved this part. Not to Neal’s surprise, Peter came simultaneously. He was very good at controlling his own orgasm because he’d had quite a bit of sex with David prior to Neal coming into his life, but he _always_ made damn sure Neal came first. If possible, he always tried to come at the same time Neal did—just to make it all that much more romantic for Neal.

Whimpering below Peter, Neal couldn’t help the tears that escaped his eyes. He stared up at Peter when Peter finally looked at his face again. “I love you,” Neal said emotionally. He honestly meant it, too. For the first time in a very long time, those three words didn’t make his gut twist with the knowledge that he was lying. He’d always loved Peter, but he’d tried to love the other men in his life that came after Peter. Needless to say, he’d never felt this way about anyone else.

Peter laid down beside Neal without disconnecting their bodies and pulled him close, hugging him. “I love you, too,” he whispered as he pressed a kiss against Neal’s sweaty hair. Neal was breathing heavily against him and his own chest was heaving, but he was so damn happy. He was overjoyed, really. He’d finally gotten the man of his dreams back. It’d only taken a decade, but he’d done it.

Neal continued crying for quite some time thereafter due to how emotionally damaged he’d been in his past relationships, but Peter held him, comforted him, and whispered his very sincere promise that it was going to be okay. He would make sure that everything was going to be more than okay from this point forward.

•◊•

By Neal’s thirtieth birthday, he and Peter had both ended their relationships, moved in with each other, and had gotten engaged. It’d only been two years since they finally allowed themselves the opportunity to actually be together again. Peter had done everything within his power in the last two years to improve Neal’s life and happiness considerably. By the time he’d proposed to Neal, they’d already made plans to start a family together someday.

It’d taken about a year from the proposal date for things to officially turn out the way they wanted things to, but they’d done it as a couple. Peter had a job that was paying very well considering he was working on digital art for a large corporation, so he’d promised Neal that Neal’s dreams were possible.

For Neal’s thirtieth birthday, he had a two year old that they’d officially adopted together bouncing on his thigh happily. Peter brought a cake out from their beautiful kitchen and set it on the table in front of his two loves before kissing Neal’s forehead. Neal smiled up at his fiancé happily. He always teared up a bit when he looked at Peter because Peter gave him the happiness he sought without hesitation—without Neal having to beg him because it was what Peter wanted as well.

Neal alternated between staring at their two year old and Peter lovingly as Peter began to sing the birthday song to him—and while their child made a few noises to make it seem like the birthday song was coming out. A few recognizable words managed to escape the child’s lips, but it was adorable nonetheless.

“Make a wish, baby boy,” Peter said softly to him as he took Neal’s left hand in his right. He rubbed Neal’s engagement ring while smiling at him. He’d tried to make Neal’s life better since they’d gotten together and he hoped to God that he was doing that. Of course it was a work in progress, but they had plenty of time for further improvement.

Chuckling, Neal whispered, “I have everything I could ask for already.” He glanced at Peter as a single tear slid down his cheek then. “All I want and need now is for you to become my husband.”

Peter grinned. “And I will become your husband this July, my dear.” The child on Neal’s thigh was leaning closer to the cake as though it were mesmerizing. “Hon, you might want to blow that out soon,” he teased.

Neal smirked, wiped away his own tear, and kept his eyes on Peter as he leaned forward and seductively blew out the candles on the cake. It was a rather slow process, but damn did it turn Peter on. Of course that was the bastard’s intention though… He loved being a tease. He always had. “Happy now, love?” Peter just smiled at him silently and that was answer enough for him. Peter stood up a moment later just to let him know how happy he was as he kissed Neal’s forehead.

“Always,” Peter eventually whispered. “You make me incredibly happy, even if you’re not blowing things.” Neal snickered a bit as their child proceeded to dip a tiny finger into the frosting of the cake innocently. “Ah,” Peter said a moment later. “It looks like our little love is ready for some cake.” Neal grinned excitedly. He, too, was excited to have some cake and he knew Peter would take care of it for him while he held their child.

Peter took the cake out into the kitchen and began to cut up three pieces—two that were decently sized as well as one relatively small piece. “Dada,” the little voice murmured, leaning back against Neal.

“Daddy’s right here,” Neal said soothingly, stroking his child’s back gently.

The beautifully blue eyes of their child peered up at him a few moments later and he could feel so much pain and happiness surging through his being simultaneously. Those beautiful eyes resembled eyes he would never see focused upon him ever again… But these eyes belonged to a new, little love that was now his and Peter’s _daughter._ He’d miraculously discovered a few months ago that Matthew had been responsible for Kate’s death, thus making him responsible for the death of his and Kate’s unborn child. That had broken his heart and he’d nearly lost himself by going after Matthew himself. He hadn’t known that Matthew was jealous of Kate’s presence in his life and sought to get rid of her just so he could have some arm candy for his high school reunion, nor did he know that Kate had been pregnant. He’d followed Kate and took her out of the picture so he could weasel his way into Neal’s life just the way he’d done a few years later…

Neal would be in prison himself had Peter not been there to guide him back from the darkness of his despair. Of course he understood Neal’s pain to an extent, but he’d been the voice of reason when Neal lost all sense of control, stole a gun from Officer Burke’s precinct since he had brand new access given to him by his association with Peter being the son of an officer who possessed a gun, and proceeded to corner Matthew in an alley outside of the gay club they’d met at. He’d heard rumors that Matthew had been involved and he’d taken precautions by getting bits and pieces of information from wiretaps, thanks to Peter’s father—unbeknownst to Peter until Peter realized that Neal was heading down a destructive path. At this point in time, they’d been in the process of adopting and he didn’t want to lose Neal. He didn’t want their daughter to lose Neal.

About a month or two before their daughter officially became theirs, Neal had been going through a very, very rough patch. He’d taken up smoking for a very brief time and it disgusted Peter to no end, so he’d done what he could to make Neal stop smoking. He reminded Neal that it was an awful habit to start, so he’d recommended something else—something he wouldn’t mind doing with Neal.

_Boxing._

The two of them began boxing before their daughter came into their life. Peter had trained a little during his college years, but the sex between him and Neal made boxing so much more…intense and electric. He could feel Neal’s raw emotions and he welcomed it. Neal needed a release and boxing had been the perfect solution—for a time. Peter had to end that when Neal became incredibly violent with him and nearly injured him severely several times. Neal agreed that it needed to end there because he didn’t want to risk his relationship with Peter nor did he want to jeopardize the adoption process they were partaking in for their daughter. Their relationship was healthy and stable, so he wanted to make sure it remained that way.

Smoking and boxing had been Neal’s past solutions, but now… Now, Neal had a daughter to love, to play with, to care for. She kept him sane, kept him happy, and kept him calm. Peter did all of those things as well, but there was just something about Neal and his paternal side connecting that made the younger man so much more at ease with his own situation. He’d become a wonderful father as far as Peter was concerned. Even in the trial period early on, Peter was thoroughly impressed by how Neal loved their daughter and enjoyed her presence before she’d officially become theirs.

No violence or bad habits were required to keep Neal on the right side of things now. He had all the incentive in the world right here in this house. He has a man who wants to spend the rest of their lives together and they have a daughter together—a daughter they both loved before they’d even had the chance to meet her. They both assumed it was their mutual love of children as well as the realization that they were really doing this, taking another step forward in their relationship by beginning a family together.

Peter rejoined his two loves and smiled when their daughter threw her hands up for him immediately. She had a mutual love for both of her fathers. “Oh, someone’s excited to be with poppa,” Peter said excitedly when their daughter threw her arms around his neck once Neal stood and guided her into his arms. “I thought you liked daddy more.” Neal met Peter’s gaze and Neal realized Peter was kidding. He’d always hated when Peter made comparisons between the two of them because he feels like Peter is just as good a father as he is. He wasn’t going to put Peter down by any means because there was absolutely no reason to. This is their first child and their first experience with raising a child together. Essentially, this was going to be a learning process for both of them.

“Oh, she loves her poppa,” Neal whispered happily, “more than he realizes…” He kissed his daughter’s shoulder and murmured, “Isn’t that right, Kate?” The little girl giggled gleefully, lifting one of her tiny hands to play with Neal’s stubble. He wanted to look older and get rid of his baby faced appearance, so Peter encouraged him to grow out some facial hair and he had to admit that Neal didn’t look so bad. In fact, he did look a little more grown up than he had when they reunited.

Ironically, their daughter’s name was Katelyn Marie—as in Katelyn Marie Moreau. Granted, she wasn’t named after Neal’s late best friend, but it was quite the coincidence. As much as it hurt at first, Neal had learned to let go of his pain and embrace the beautiful baby girl he and Peter had been blessed with. She would never replace the love he’d felt for his unborn child with Kate so long ago, but God did she remind him of his Kate… From the dark hair to the beautiful eyes, she could have been his and Kate’s daughter.

Peter noticed that Neal had become lost in thought and he watched him concernedly. “Honey?” he whispered, relieved by the fact that he’d gotten Neal’s attention very quickly. “You all right?”

Neal nodded as he turned and went to grab the three plates of cake Peter hadn’t brought with him when he returned to the table. He set the plates down and watched as Peter sat down with their daughter in his lap. Peter began to feed her her slice of cake and it made Neal’s heart melt. Of all the men in the world, Neal had gotten lucky and had found his way back into this man’s heart. Not that he’d ever left it, but he’d tried to escape—unsuccessfully since he’d found himself drawn right back to this wonderful man. “I’ll always be all right,” Neal said gently as he took his own seat and happily watched his fiancé and daughter. “I have everything I want and need right here…”

The older man glanced at him lovingly because he loved hearing Neal say sweet things like that. Knowing he made Neal happy thrilled him beyond belief. That’d been all he wanted for Neal back in high school and all he wanted to give Neal for the rest of their lives was the happiness Neal deserves.

As a few tears began to well up in Neal’s eyes, Peter realized Neal was thinking about Kate and the child he’d never know. He knew it would always be a pain that Neal carried, but he had noticed a significant difference once their daughter came into their life. Despite their daughter’s name being Kate, Neal loved her in such a remarkable way…

Reaching out before Neal had the chance to dig into his birthday cake, Peter smiled softly and whispered, “It’s going to be okay.” He could keep that promise to Neal because he’d done just that up to this point. While things had ended horribly so long ago, he would make the rest of their days so much better—theirs as well as their daughter’s.

Neal curled his fingers around Peter’s and nodded as he laughed a watery laughed. Of all the men he could have ended up with, he felt very fortunate to have Peter. He knew Peter would keep his word and would do everything—and he honestly would do everything—within his power to make his and Kate’s lives wonderful. Nodding silently as the tears began to slide down Neal’s cheeks, Neal glanced at their daughter’s beautiful, angelic face for a few moments before meeting Peter’s eyes. Not for the first time since they’d reunited, he felt himself acknowledging Peter’s promise—and believing it wholeheartedly. “It’s going to be okay.”


End file.
